Posts from the ‘Newborns’ Category

Jul 11

All Dressed Up

After hearing how Heinz’s sky blue and chocolate flavored Funky Fries were being discontinued, I was upset to say the least. For one, I was never able to even find them here in NYC, and two, I feared the public had had enough with the abnormally colored food. Not true, thankfully. Naturally Fresh renewed my faith in the grotesque by creating ranch dressing (which is kind of just freaky on its own) in bright orange and purple. I don’t know what “natural” has to do with garish colored dressing, but I’ll allow them a little misrepresentation.

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Jun 29

Year of New Editions

I don’t know why its taken me half the year to get down to business here. Keeping up with new foods is highly important work, but sometimes work, school and socializing get in the way. Anyhoo, I’ve been pretty happy with all the new, unusual flavors and colors being concocted lately. But now everyone’s declaring these new items to be “limited edition,” as if to ensure prompt purchases. Living in NYC stresses me out enough already, I don’t need the added pressure of catching goodies before they’re gone.

The white and dark chocolate Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Kit Kats fall under this umbrella. I do like that white chocolate, perhaps a little out of novelty and a little out of an upbringing filled with bad taste. I don’t know why white chocolate carries a bourgeois, trashy stigma. Neon orange, glowing Mountain Dew Live Wire is also purported to only be on shelves temporarily. I don’t drink soda, so good riddance. Uh Oh Oreos are inside out and for a limited time only! It’s got nothing to do with Oreos, but has anyone seen the Sealab 2021 episode that makes crazy use of “uh-oh?” If not, there’ s no explaining.

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Jun 29

Smile

McCain Smiles have a messed-up website so I can’t directly link to their little smiley face potato products. I just wanted to mention that I’d only seen these before at Chinese buffets, which is weird enough. Now the general public can re-create that Asian steam table effect at home.

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Nov 15

White Kat, Big Kat

So, I hear there are White Kit Kats floating around NYC. Supposedly, they’re at Duane Reade, but I haven’t seen them. Duane Reade does have the limited edition dark chocolate Kit Kat, but who cares — that’s too classy. White chocolate is all cheap and gauche, just like me. And why is there no American Kit Kat site? I see British and Japanese (damn them, they have strawberry, banana and Hello Kitty varieties No white, though). I think it’s because Hershey’s sucks, and Kit Kats are made by Nestle elsewhere. Oh shit, but look at this. A Hershey’s mega store opening in Times Square holiday season 2002. Isn’t that right now?

Maybe I should just hold on to my horses. England had the Big Kat first, then we got it, so maybe we’ll eventually get the white chocolate and orange varieties too (they can keep their mint version). It’s just like the dulce de leche M&Ms. New York’s always the last to know when it comes to mainstream confections.

Also heard, but not seen is the rainbow Pepperidge Farm’s Goldfish. I’m starting to think I imagined seeing an ad somewhere.

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Sep 11

Soda Pops

Soda has officially gone out of control. And for someone who doesn’t drink the stuff (if I only had a similar aversion to candy and fried food I’d be pretty healthy), I’ve certainly taken an interest in all the new flavors and colors. I knew there was a lemon diet Pepsi from that icky commercial with that little curly-haired girl, but Pepsi Twist also comes in a full sugar version. Not to be outdone, Diet Coke with Lemon is also on the market (is this new? I wasn’t familiar with it). Competing with Mountain Dew’s Code Red is Dr. Pepper Red Fusion with its enticing “bold flava.” I didn’t even know they still made Jolt, they do, and now it comes in vivid colors (with corresponding flavors) like green, blue and purple. Mr. Green is a new Dr. Pepper rip off from SoBe that entices with a neon green color. What is it with those prune flavored colas demanding titles–who could forget Mr. Pibb? I predict Rev. Red with the phattest, phreshest flava you’ve eva seen, in the near future. Word up? Speaking of the near future, next year 7up will introduce dnL, 7up backwards. The soda, bright green and caffeinated, will be the opposite of 7up’s clear and non-caffeinated formula. Apparently, in 2003 the earth turns into Bizzaro World.

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Sep 8

Spam’s Officially Cheesey

Spam with Cheese There’s turkey Spam, low sodium Spam, but you won’t find cheese Spam on their website. However, I did find it displayed on a pile of cardboard boxes at my favorite Ridgewood, Queens grocer, Western Beef. According to the label it’s a limited edition–just like all those collectible coins you see advertised. Hurry up before they’re all gone!

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Jun 18

Soda Craze

I don't know what's going on with soda these days. First Mountain Dew's Code Red with its "sensation as real as the streets" threw me for a loop. Now there's Vanilla Coke and Pepsi Blue. Being that I'm not a soda drinker, I haven't had much interest beyond the novelty factor. But vanilla is one of my favorite flavors so I couldn't resist at least trying that one. It tasted like Coke to me, but like I said, I drink it so rarely that perhaps my judgement is askew. I expected it to be more vanilla-y, like cream soda, which I guess I would just buy if that was what I was seeking.

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May 15

Kettle Corn

Orville Redenbacher's Kettle Corn I don’t like popcorn much. In fact I’d never made microwave popcorn in my entire life until this evening. The converting factor? Kettle corn. Salty and sweet? Love the combo, along the lines of chocolate covered pretzels.

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Apr 22

Special K

I’ve started eating cereal and soy milk for breakfast. This week I picked up a box of Special K Red Berries, not because the commercial claims eating a bowl for two meals a day will cause weight loss in two weeks (duh, a serving size is only 1/2 cup. It’d be hard not to lose weight, eating a cup of cereal in place of two regular meals) but because it was on sale. Actually, the reason I started eating cereal was the result of some other quack study reporting people who ate cereal for breakfast on average weighed eight pounds less than folks who ate other things or even skipped breakfast. Whatever, the point is red berries. I saw the picture on the box and was like “bullshit, there’s real, juicy berries inside.” What is inside are thick, weird, freeze-dried, chewy strawberry slices reminiscent of an old Weight Watchers snack from the early ’80s. I wonder if anyone currently obsessed with counting points remembers those packets filled little nuggets of dried apple. It’s the kind of crap my mom would pawn off on me pretending it was better than candy. However, rehydrated with milk, the red berries aren’t half-bad. Not candy, but edible.

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Feb 26

I Am Curious Blue

I have a minor obsession with blue food, it just occurs so rarely in nature and it’s so pretty (same with deep blue-black flowers). Lumping purple and blue together, you have purple potatoes, blue corn, ube a.k.a. purple yam, blueberries, concord grapes and that’s about it. Fortunately, there are food scientists out there tinkering away for my novelty-craving benefit. 2002 is all about color, and for once I’m not complaining.

UNREAL
Parkay Fun Squeeze I would not eat this stuff, not so much because of the unnatural colors but because of the unnatural ingredients. Unless you’re vegan (and even that lifestyle is questionable) or have coronary issues (95% of my family) there’s no good reason to not eat butter. My thing is I don’t like eating butter when I can see it, it needs to be melted and oozy. The butter must be liquid and pooled in the crannies of my waffle, not sitting all stiff on the surface. And my question is, how will this Electric Blue and Shocking Pink stuff look once it melts. And secondly, does it melt?

Ocean Spray White Cranberry Juice Yeah, I know white is the lack of color, but it’s just plain abnormal so it counts.

Cheetos Mystery Colorz Snacks I have not actually seen these first hand yet, but the idea of neon orange fake cheese turning blue or green upon contact with saliva is an idea whose time has come. I don’t even like chips, but Cheetos are a horse of a different color. As a kid, I learned that the hard way when my mom made me run into Albertson’s for chips and I came back with Cheetos. She was not a happy woman. I halfheartedly offered to go back in and get real chips, knowing she wouldn’t bother and I’d get my snack way.

Ore-Ida Funky Fries I don’t know why their new products aren’t mentioned on their website yet. I haven’t actually seen them in the stores either, but Brooklyn’s retarded that way. Wow, this one gets my juices flowing more than any other. I love fries and potato products, and this pale Kool Blue color is downright pretty. Coupled with that green ketchup (Heinz does own Ore-Ida), this could be the start of something beautiful. Cinnamon? Chocolate? I could get used to it. Why not, everything goes with starch.

Dannon Sprinkl'ins Color Creations Yogurts I guess these are out, though I’ve never seen them. I thought the world had gone wild in the early ’90s when the muti-colored Trix yogurt was introduced. But I’ll be damned if the ’00s aren’t downright x-treme! These babies come with blue crystals that’ll change vanilla yogurt into colors like Jelly Purple and Alligator Green. And I thought those granola toppers were the living end.

NATURAL
Move over white asparagus and boring ol’ indian corn, there’s some new produce in town. Maroon carrots aren’t so new I hear, but they’re certainly new to me. Also exciting are “Graffiti,” a purple cauliflower, “Halloween in Paris,” a bright yellow pumpkin, “Falstaff,” purple-red Brussels sprouts and various black tomatoes. I even have a yard (a near anomaly for NYC), but I’ll be damned if I know the first thing about gardening.

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