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Posts from the ‘Chains of Love’ Category

Oct 12

Relationship Butcher

I swear, Western Beef just might end up being a relationship disintegrator. Despite the inexplicable joy James and I glean from this borderland, no frills grocery mecca, we always end up in a screaming spat by the time we get out to the car. And it's because of the check out line.

Not the length of it, which is always long, or the teeming carts (sometimes two) that take eons to unload (ours never makes it up to the half way mark) or the repeatedly rejected food stamp cards or even the nasty confrontational woman who got caught hiding a ham in her baby stroller. It's the physical space and willy-nilly procedure that raises my blood pressure and tries my patience. I like order and rule following, which is contrary to WB's philosophy.

The check-out aisles are super narrow and there isn't space for more than one cart at the end of the register before you hit the front wall. So, it's tight. No one can ever figure out whether it's optimal to be in front of or behind your cart. I usually stand in front and load the groceries on the belt. Ideally, James is behind, eventually the cart and my body move up to the end where the bag person sometimes stands, James pays (I pay him back later, don't worry) and we leave unfettered.

But it never goes like this. Some freak will have two carts and leave one behind so there's an empty ownerless one in front of me and our empty behind me. So, I'm sandwiched, the bagger starts putting food in the front one, James can't pay because he?s stuck behind our original cart, and there's no room to push or put it anywhere to get it out of the way. Meanwhile, a family will be breathing down our necks, so it's not like you can back up an inch either.

As silly as it seems, this situation will always cause a fight, which is ridiculous because it's not like I have much control over the check-out experience. Western Beef is becoming anxiety attack central, and that's just a shame.

Western Beef * 47-05 Metropolitan Ave., Ridgewood, NY

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Sep 23

Nights in Purple Satin

This past weekend at Target I was almost able to recapture the original joy I felt when first discovered purple spooky cat Peeps. Always a sucker for new merchandising gimmicks, I couldn’t resist the Peeps cat purple satin pillow. I don’t know if this is a new product or not, but I’d never seen it before. Never mind how disturbing it is to be faced with aisles of Halloween candy when it’s still mid-80s and humid, I still bought the cat (and somehow refrained from the sweets).

Peepscat_1

As I’ve said probably a million times before, I’m not much of a soda person (I wish I could say the same for other sweet junk food). I don’t feel the urge to drink many brands, but Jones Sodas always look so appealing that I couldn’t resist also picking up a mini four-pack of Halloween caramel apple flavor at Target. I had no trouble leaving the candy corn flavor on the shelf, however.

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Aug 20

Dude, Ranch

I was vaguely aware that Americans have a perverse fascination with ranch dressing. Over the years it has replaced regular condiments like mustard and mayonnaise on burgers, sandwiches, wraps, what have you. A recent Slate article only confirmed and clarified this dressing fixation.

Then I totally freaked when I started seeing those bizarre Wendy's commercials with the ranch tooth. You know, like a sweet tooth, but this larger than life incisor with a face and cowboy hat craves creamy buttermilk laced with powdered herbs and spices. Scary. And well, kind of amusing. The ad agency has clearly tapped into the ranchification of America.

I'm not there yet. If I'm going to inappropriately dip food into salad dressing, it's going to be blue cheese, not ranch. I'm only mildly ashamed to admit that a college friend of mine Kristin converted me to the charms of pepperoni pizza dipped in blue cheese dressing. And I wonder why I'm now having blood pressure and sugar problems.

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Jul 19

Who Knew Dracula Was a Cashier

Against my better judgment, I do end up at Key Food maybe once every other week. Unless I feel like walking ten blocks or more after work when I'm usually beat up, KF is the only option. A few months ago, though obviously still fresh in my mind, I had a check-out experience to end all. I couldn't even tell you the handful of items I was attempting to purchase, except that there was a head of garlic in the jumble. I thought KF was just employing super incompetent teens, but apparently they're now hiring vampires, too.

First, I couldn't get anyone to acknowledge my presence, which isn't out of the ordinary. Then, one of the women decides to saunter over, she starts scanning my stuff, then screams bloody murder like she's been stabbed or something, and then declares "I don't touch garlic" and storms off from the register mid-ring up to go wash her hands. Then, I got to wait some more for another lovely cashier to take her place like nothing weird was happening.

I almost lost my shit, and not even figuratively. I'm so sick of this store that doing something incredibly foul like defecating in the aisles is actually starting to sound attractive. I mean, if they have problems with touching garlic, just think what fun a pile of poo would create.

Key Food * 395 Court St., Brooklyn, NY

James has a great Key Food story, it's too bad he's not one for the written word because I only know it second hand and that it involves a frequently quoted (by him) dialogue between cashier and customer that starts something like, "what the fuck you lookin' at bitch"!? and ends in an equally charming fashion.

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Jun 19

Green Means Go

I was tentative at first, but I'm really starting to dig Stop & Shop. In many ways it's the anti-Western Beef, one of my favorite NYC grocery stores. The prices seem a little high (though not Manhattan high, and if you get a Stop & Shop card, which takes mere minutes because the staff is fairly competent and there aren't Eastern Bloc long lines, discounts abound) and the vibe is bizarrely suburban. And therein lies its charm.

The aisles are the widest I've seen in the area, they have parking garages, it's not agoraphobia-inducingly crowded and the selection is borderline bountiful. It's not like you're relegated to two or three brands per item. I wanted oatmeal and there was at least 30 sq. ft. devoted to my breakfast staple. And it's the little touches like the florist section with mylar balloons, the automated bottle return section, free ranging toiletries not imprisoned behind a customer service counter. Classy, you know?

I can only vouch for the Queens locations, so far I've tried Glendale, Maspeth and Long Island City. Unfortunately, there aren't any S&Ss nearby, the closest being in Kensington, which I have doubts about. I don't believe the Kings County hype, there?s nothing remotely cool or hip about the borough's sorry grocery stores.

(Super) Stop & Shop * Various outer borough locations, New England is their base

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Jun 18

Walking on Air

Okay, I'm coming clean. I have a perverse love of Aerosoles even though it's slightly shameful. It's not like I'm fawning over Easy Spirit, right? It started innocently when I was temping in midtown two summers ago. A pair of purple suede d'Orsay pumps caught my eye from the window. And even with my painfully pathetic $11 hourly wage, I could sort of swing the $19.99 price tag. These shoes were actually borderline stylish and crazy comfortable.

I've since picked up a weirdo pair per summer at DSW. 2004 induced me to buy strange gold-silver'70s slip-ons with a squishy fake cork heel. They're garish, gauche and middle aged, but they're a great go-to lazy shoe. This year's version has the same sole, but in bright fuchsia leather with vertical cut outs all around. People frequently stare at my feet when I wear either pair, maybe because they're baffled, maybe because they're wowed (I actually did get a compliment from a door person on the pink clodhoppers). Neither of these styles are online, and likely for good reason.

Yesterday I went wild and purchased my second summer 2005 (well, technically spring) pair. A brand new Aerosoles storefront recently appeared one door down from my office, just on the other side of one of the last remaining Pret a Mangers. This time I chose metallic emerald green sandals that aren't half freaky, though they might be a touch too spindly and high heeled for comfort (2" is my max for everyday use). So I'm weighing the necessity of owning them. Plus, they cost a whopping $59. Yeah, yeah, we're not even approaching Jimmy Choo territory, but I?m still not blessed with much disposable income. 

Aerosoles * Various NYC locations, primarily 293 Madison Ave., New York, NY

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Jun 1

Dim Sum Redux

New York City does all right in the food department, but sometimes I long for the west coast. Daly City, CA has it all: In-N-Out Burger, Filipino chain restaurants and Koi Palace, which I’ve heard has some of the best dim sum in the U.S. Koi Palace also has pretty dim sum pictures and a seriously comprehensive menu. (Now that I think about it, I have family in Daly City that I haven’t seen in over twenty years, but it’s doubtful they partake in the multitude of Asian goodies available.)

Despite loving dim sum, it’s very rare that I actually get out and eat any. It might have something to with not possessing the breakfast/brunch gene. Weekends are for sleeping in, it takes effort to transform into an early bird eater (though I more than make up for it throughout the day). My most recent foray into the realm of rolling carts and tiny treats was at World Tong, which is currently one of the better NYC choices. Don’t be scared of Bensonhurst.

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Apr 20

Poppycock

Hmm, so Target has been getting all fancy pants with its new house brand Archer Farms. It's a notch up from Market Pantry (who makes a mean Dr. Pepper rip off called Spice Cola, not to be confused with Pepsi Holiday Spice). But I'm having a serious pet peeve with their new premium nut-filled caramel corn snack that has replaced Poppycock. Bring back the Poppycock. I love Poppycock almost more than anything in the world. Even Chinese Poppycock that was all wet and stuck together in a wad (the packaging was still cute). Despite being buttery, fatty and full of sugar, it's a not-so-guilty little pleasure I can't deny myself. It wasn't like I'd buy a whole can, sometimes they'd have 99-cent small packs at the register. This was good, I need portion control. But now, nothing, and Archer Farms doesn?t offer choices like cashew lovers, just nuts, etc. and the only size is large.  A container of caramel corn that large is dangerous.

Oh Poppycock–I just discovered their parent Lincoln Snacks, and they totally rule. Who knew Fiddle Faddle, Screaming Yellow Zonkers and Poppycock all coexisted in such a way?

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Apr 14

Reese’s & Triple Pepperoni Threat

Hershey’s is so nuts with the new candies and limited editions. Every time I turn my back they’ve got a new incarnation of something. The Reese’s line has always been one of my favorites—who can resist the all-American peanut butter and chocolate combo? Dark and white chocolate shells were first. Then they did the inside outthing. I had a honey roasted peanut butter flavor not too long ago (it really didn’t stand apart from the original, kind of pointless). I’m currently obsessed with the seasonal white chocolate Easter eggs. And now they have a Chocolate Lovers and Peanut Butter Lovers promotion. I haven’t tried either, but I’d think that that a pure peanut butter version would kind of miss the point of a peanut butter cup. Two great tastes that taste great together—wasn’t that the slogan?

Take 5 would seem a bit excessive, though at least Hershey’s has the decency to spell out the five components for you: caramel, peanut butter, pretzels, chocolate and peanuts (I think breaking out peanuts and peanut butter is fudging a bit). This is a tasty sweet/salty fix, better than the highly addictive Nestle Flipz.

While Hershey’s might explain their five ingredients, I’m totally baffled by Pizza Hut’s three pepperoni claim in their limited edition “Pepperoni Trio.” Isn’t pepperoni just pepperoni? You could say three kinds of ham because ham comes in countless permutations. You could probably say three kinds of salami, too, but I’m a stickler about this varieties of pepperoni nonsense. Ok, they don’t even have a special product page detailing this big lie, but there is a description makes it apparent that the two extra pepperoni flavors are hickory-smoked and southwestern. Sadly, I am still not sated by this explanation.

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Mar 24

Red & Pink

Red Peeps. This year has seen the advent of the Peep making machine and Peep in a chocolate egg. But it’s new color, not contraptions that catch my attention and red Peeps scream “look at me, eat me.” These new un-Easter shaded treats are being called Target red, and I guess they’re only being sold at Target (duh). A lot of clout, that Target.

Not exclusive to any particular store, and probably not even all that new, but in the same color family is Strawberry Cool Whip. (Ah, it’s seasonal for Spring and Summer. The cooler months get french vanilla flavored whip.) Cool Whip is hard for me to abide in any state—I’ve become a whip cream purist with age—but pink is an endearing color for the fluff (speaking of, I picked up a jar of strawberry marshmallow fluff at Jack’s the great, but perpetually crowded 99-cent store near work). And look what can be made with Strawberry Cool Whip and three additional Kraft products: scary tiramisu.

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