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Posts from the ‘Chains of Love’ Category

Yanking My Chain

Beijingstarbucks

Lucky me. I’ll be heading to Buenos Aires just in time try Argentina’s first Starbucks, which opens today in Palermo, the neighborhood I will be residing in tomorrow morning.

Ok, I have no strong opinion on Starbucks one way or the other (as you saw last week, I totally patronize coffee carts) but I do love checking out US chains in foreign countries. I did have a green tea éclair at a Beijing Starbucks and a red bean scone at a location in Shanghai, and I didn’t feel like a dirty American for doing so.

I’ll only be away for a week, and I have no idea if I’ll be posting or not. I tend not to while vacation because I’m just not that plugged in and I’m not deluded enough to think anyone would notice a seven-day online absence.  I never miss my cell phone (which could have something to do with the fact that I only got my first one last year and use it like never) but I always check e-mail because I’m old (wasn’t it declared geriatric like two years ago?)

So, tonight I’m off to eat grass-fed beef, dulce de leche and maybe even a newfangled “mate latte.” Adios.

Photo of now-gone Forbidden City Starbucks by Miguel A. Monjas via Bloggle

Yanking My Chain

Beijingstarbucks

Lucky me. I’ll be heading to Buenos Aires just in time try Argentina’s first Starbucks, which opens today in Palermo, the neighborhood I will be residing in tomorrow morning.

Ok, I have no strong opinion on Starbucks one way or the other (as you saw last week, I totally patronize coffee carts) but I do love checking out US chains in foreign countries. I did have a green tea éclair at a Beijing Starbucks and a red bean scone at a location in Shanghai, and I didn’t feel like a dirty American for doing so.

I’ll only be away for a week, and I have no idea if I’ll be posting or not. I tend not to while vacation because I’m just not that plugged in and I’m not deluded enough to think anyone would notice a seven-day online absence.  I never miss my cell phone (which could have something to do with the fact that I only got my first one last year and use it like never) but I always check e-mail because I’m old (wasn’t it declared geriatric like two years ago?)

So, tonight I’m off to eat grass-fed beef, dulce de leche and maybe even a newfangled “mate latte.” Adios.

Photo of now-gone Forbidden City Starbucks by Miguel A. Monjas via Bloggle

There’s a Yakov Smirnoff Joke in Here Somewhere

It says something (what, I’m not sure) when Siberia gets an Ikea before NYC.

Kimchi Hana & Bon Chon Chicken Staten Island

Coordinating out-of-the-city errands isn’t always easy. I wanted drivable Korean fried chicken but that would involve Queens or Northern New Jersey and neither of those were places where I wanted to shop (Union and Middlesex counties).

Then I remembered Bon Chon Staten Island, which would be en route to my desired part of the Garden State. Initially, I didn’t believe there was such a branch, but more than once I found those keywords misguidedly bringing searchers to this site so I had to investigate. Yes, there’s Korean fried chicken in Staten Island. Weird. For all its bravado, Brooklyn certainly lacks in the Asian food arena, multiple Chinatowns or not.

But I wanted sit-down rather than takeout, which was the impression I’d gotten about S.I., so fried chicken was nixed and general Korean was substituted into the schedule. I’ll admit that I’m kind of a Korean food idiot having never ventured past the obvious like bbq and bibimbap. I do like spicy and pickled so there’s no reason why I should avoid it, it’s just never around.

Based on some internet randomness, I settled on Kimchi Hana in South Plainfield’s Middlesex Mall.  Now, Middlesex Mall is only a mall in that there’s a row of storefronts; some are empty, others occupied by the likes of Dollar Tree, Radio Shack (which saved my life with in-stock earphone pads. Do you know how difficult it is to find replacement pads for earbuds in stores? I ended up ordering from Amazon and incorrectly buying the wrong size, which were the circumference of an oatmeal cookie) and a more busted looking Macy’s than the one on Fulton Mall, which also isn’t a real mall. I knew what I was in for after reading a local resident’s lament.

What didn’t occur to me was to make a reservation. I clearly don’t have the suburban know-how down because I don’t equate strip mall restaurants with advance planning. And it was busy at an early-ish 7pm, but not insanely so. No one was waiting in the lobby when we showed up. We weren’t asked if we had reservations, though, just whether or not we wanted a bbq table. It seemed like getting a grill would be a problem, plus I trying to expand my culinary horizons, so we went the easiest route and agreed to any table available, which ended up being a standard four-seater in the back half of the smoky room.

This was fine for about ten minutes while we tried to interpret some language on the menu. There was a section of grilled meats but it said you could only order those at bbq tables (though later we noticed cast iron plates of kalbi and the like on grill-free tables. Perhaps they meant you just couldn’t cook it yourself?). While pondering, a woman who seemed to be the boss, came over and told us that we needed to move because someone had reserved this table.

Here we go…the Saturday night nuisance again (and I don’t need anonymous assholes telling me to stay home, thanks, everyone’s entitled to a reasonable dining experience). I don’t mind sitting at a two-top but I could already foresee a problem with fitting dishes into the abbreviated space. The banchan alone (which I do love about Korean cuisine) would take up a majority of the open area.

 

There were seven dishes, a spinach-like vegetable was off to the left. Those pictured included kimchi, baby bok choy, bean curd, octopus, radish and seaweed.

And sure enough, after ordering two appetizers and two entrees we were admonished, “That’s a lot of food.” No, not really. We were ordering a reasonably sized meal and it was now up to them to figure out how they were going to fit all of the dishes.

Sashimi came first, and the raised wooden board wasn’t too much of a hindrance. These were some hefty slabs of fish and considerably fresher than the disconcertingly room temperature slices I’d been served the previous day at Gold St. in the Financial District.

 

The girthy pajun arrived soon after. Pan-fried cakes can get a little doughy, though this seafood-stuffed one maintained a fair amount of crispiness. I will admit that these greasy treats are probably better divvied up between more than two diners, especially since it doesn’t lend itself to leftovers.

 

The seafood hot pot was a bit problematic to eat because of broth’s high temperature (the photo is steamy) and the weight of the vessel. Normally, I would ask for two small bowls as other tables seemed to have but there was nowhere to put them. So, I had to carefully rearrange the other dishes and scoot the little cauldron near me, trying not to splash, eat a few bites, then maneuver it back towards James so he could have some.

The soup was black pepper and chile flake hot, the type that doesn’t hit until you swallow and get the urge to cough. A little of everything was included: shell-on crab chunk, clams, tiny shrimp, hefty tofu squares, wedges of fish and decorative pink-rimmed fish cake slice. It seemed right for a spring day that had turned chilly and wet.

 

Chicken was a misstep. I still had fried chicken on the brain so those two words jumped out at me from the kan poong gi description, but as you can see it was essentially sweet and sour chicken. There was a hint of heat and a scattering of bizarrely firm peas and carrots. It wasn’t horrific by any means but wasn’t what I was craving.

The danger of not eating what you wanted is that you (ok, I) will just end up double dinnering to make up for that empty feeling (in your soul, not your stomach, duh). But really, would two measly midnight snack wings harm anyone?

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Microwavable Molten Cakes & Blue Cherries

Western Beef will always be my favorite utilitarian grocery store, but when I’m suburban-ing it up as I’m wont to do every month or so, I lean on Shop Rite. It seems kind of the same as Stop & Shop, which I’ve had an on and off again relationship with, but it’s a little more quirky, open 24-hours so you can have the place to yourself at night (because most people have better things to do at 11pm on a Saturday) and they sell Greek yogurt (three brands at that–I eat this nearly every day so a store without it is most unhelpful) unlike S&S or Western Beef.

I’m specifically referring to a Linden, New Jersey location at Aviation Plaza; I can’t speak to the whole chain. This is an area I’m growing fond of in general because it satisfies most of my rudimentary shopping needs and desire for breathing room (never mind that it’s a 20-mile drive, $16 in tolls and I’m not calculating gas). Despite the sense that there is a sizable African American and Eastern European population (the ATMs have Russian as a language choice and there’s a Polish & Slavic credit union in the same strip mall. You can tell a lot from an ATM. My bank, Capital One, formerly North Fork, formerly Greenpoint, which I only joined because it was the most convenient bank when I lived in Queens, is the house bank at this Shop Rite and even has an office right inside the entrance with two sit-down windows. The fast cash option here is $40, the lowest I’ve seen. In Carroll Gardens it’s $60 and the Wall St. branch near my office it’s a whopping $100. You can also choose to take increments of $10 from this ATM, which is something I haven’t seen offered since my Portland days and they probably are up to a $20 minimum by now.) it feels like a Roseanne neighborhood.

There’s a bowling alley, taverns and lots of ratty motels. If there were a slew of used car dealerships, junk/thrift stores and no Italian delis, it would be the type of no nonsense environs my grandparents lived in when I was in grade school (when they weren’t living in a mobile home in our yard—I’m not joking, though it was probably only for a few months it seemed like a year in kid time).

If it weren’t for the pesky problem of getting to Manhattan for work, I would buy in New Jersey, this part of New Jersey, definitely not the areas teeming with garish new construction. House/condo buying is a real possibility in the next year (through no means of my own) and I like to pretend that I have some say in the matter. I’ve also been entertaining nearby Red Hook but isolation and scrappiness shouldn’t cost $1 million-plus. Same goes for Gowanus. I don’t like being in the thick of things; I want to grow out my nasty gray hair in peace…er, and then go check out a new restaurant. Food is really the one thing that keeps me enamored with NYC. It’s certainly not the people. Though I’m not there yet and may never be, I do understand why at this very moment my sister and her British husband are scoping out property in rural Southern Oregon (I’m still not sold on the idea of a cob house, however).

But back to Shop Rite. They aren’t perfect by any means (and apparently there was a lazy-eyed fat woman with a pregnant accomplice robbing people in aisle nine a few years ago). They don’t have those self-serve bottle return machines that are not only rare in the city, but always hogged by the homeless (hey, five-cent refunds aren’t just for the destitute). I was thwarted by their lack of loose green beans or even prepackaged ones in Styrofoam and plastic wrap. They only had $3.99 bags of organic, which I wasn’t buying.

Roland_cherries 

But they do have maraschino cherries in rainbow colors. Yes, I’m obsessed with the Roland cherries.

Shop_rite_ethnic_candles

And they have ethnic candles and cookware. I have no idea what ethnic cookware is and don’t think they mean woks. I also love that brands La Fe and La Cena are mushed together into single lowercase words.

Dr_oetker_lava_cake 

I don’t generally hang out in the boxed baking mixes aisle so I was surprised at the amount of molten cake madness on the shelf. Americans love the warm and gooey. Those soft-centered monsters are my biggest culinary pet peeves next to Tuscan kitchens. I will admit to being tempted by the 150-calorie microwavable Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis even though (or maybe because) sugar is my enemy.

Betty_crocker_warm_delights 

Obviously, there’s more to Shop Rite than snack food and candles but that’s for another time. I have my loyalty card so there’s no doubt I will return for more than just savings.

Shop Rite * 637 W. Edgar Rd. Linden, NJ

Organic Wood-Fired Balsamic-Glazed Duck Embryo on a Bed of Microgreens

Crochetbalut
Glancing at my wardrobe, pantry and home décor, it’s obvious that I love me some Target (with a huge proportion of above items also originating from Ikea and Old Navy—yes, I’m cheap with middling tastes). I buy the occasional Archer Farms product, but I’m totally not seeing the logical connection between so-so foodstuffs gussied up to sound gourmet and Andrew Zimmerman, the Bizarre Foods guy and Pepto Bismol spokesman who has become the new SuperTarget Meal Adventure Guide.

Indigestion, diarrhea and larvae-eating are going to make middle America want to try Spinach & Goat Cheese Torino Wood-Fire Pizza or Strawberry Basil Balsamic Vinegar?

What do I know? I was also confused by Wanda Sykes voicing the mouthy Applebee’s apple. Ha, which has been scrapped for the new Applebee’s new emphasis on quality, better finger foods and improved bar scene. I’m inclined to believe this new CEO knows her business because I never eat at IHOP but on my last visit I totally ordered the stuffed French toast, which apparently is this lady exec’s legacy.

Despite not being directly related, I must say that I appreciate how even diarrhea isn’t immune to user-generated content commercials.

Crochet balut from joylimos on etsy

Snacking Painlessly

Aubonpainportions
The irony of bread being pain in French is not lost on me.

Supplementing my workday changing roster of fruit, Greek yogurt, oatmeal or Kashi TLC bars hasn’t been easy since being forced to limit sugar and starch in my diet (yeah, I know there are carbs in oatmeal and granola bars, and well, fruit too, but I said limit not banish). Sammies are out. So too, sushi and grandma slices. And one can only handle brothy soups or blah salads so many days of the week.

So, I was curious about the new $3.49 and under, 200 calories or less Au Bon Pain Portions. Yes, there’s something childish and pathetic about a corporation doling out healthy amounts of food for you. I can’t stand the 100-calorie pack boom. People not being able to divvy up their own food and put them into baggies is about as sad as the inability to make your own peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I’m also not wild about Au Bon Pain (I seriously burnt out on them while briefly freelancing at the NY Post because the shop was on the ground floor and gave employee discounts and I was too cheap and lazy to stray further a field) but it’s ridiculously hard to find something filling and starchless within a block of my office so I gave them a try this afternoon.

There were combos with hummus, olives and cucumbers, asparagus and almonds, cheese, grapes and crackers and a few mixes involving tuna or chicken. I’d have stealthily snapped a photo of the case but I only had my camera phone on me and it’s next to useless (as you can see from this post's illustration).

The Thai Peanut Chicken & Snow Peas was exactly that atop a small tuft of romaine lettuce. The vegetables were crisp, snappy and free from brown wilty spots and the strips of poultry were fine enough, sweetish as might be expected and not hot at all despite the red flecks dotting them. And once I started digging into it, I realized there was more chicken than I’d anticipated, though these new items are more like snacks than meals—you’d have to possess the stomach capacity of a cat (well, a normal-sized cat, not mine) to feel remotely full.

It’s doubtful that I would ever eat something so lackluster at home, but my standards are lower for at-desk lunches (essentially not messy or foul smelling or tasting). The food could’ve been much worse, that’s all I’m saying. I’ll explore more options next week. And who said April was going to be dull?

Screw You, Too

Some time ago, during a hellish meal at Montreal’s Au Pied de Cochon (service was some of the most sophomoric, assholiest I’ve encountered, which isn’t entirely unusual with restaurants foodies love) James found a screw in his pork chop. At the time we speculated about how it would be reported in a New York Post headline and imagined it would involve the staff having a screw loose.

Well, we finally got our answer thanks to a disgruntled bacon cheeseburger eater in the Bronx: “Wendy’s Got a Screw Loose: Suit

Back on the Chain Gang

Mainside
Who knew that it was even possible to blow $300 a pop on Boston Market? Or that you could pay for fast food with checks.  I guess you do what you have to for rotisserie chicken and chipotle meatloaf.

I kind of prefer the sheer idiocy of the Indiana woman who scored $57 worth of Applebee’s food after finding worms in her salad…then left her purse behind with a container of worms. At least it wasn’t a human finger.

Even though I didn’t think it wasn’t true, I was kind of scared by the inexplicable ‘80s urban legend that Wendy’s put worms in their burgers. (To this day, I still believe that Rod Stewart had gallons of antelope semen pumped from his stomach, so these myths are persuasive.) The second I heard chain restaurant and worms in conjunction with the above story, I automatically assumed it was about Wendy’s.

Wendy’s seems to have a lot of trouble. Just off the top of my head I can think of two shooting incidents involving the chain, one recent, one not.

T.G.I. Friday’s

You can’t properly entertain a sister who has lived outside the U.S. for over a decade without at least one pit stop at a chain restaurant. Never mind that they have a T.G. I. Friday’s in Bristol, things are best experienced in their natural habitats.

We’d spent a killer day trolling around Bear Mountain (I had to squeeze in a bit of nature to appease the outdoorsiness in my sister and her husband. Some would argue that paved trails aren’t exactly super natural but that’s as rough as I get) and Woodbury Common (where I’d already been to the on-site Applebee’s enough times). All that cold weather open air outlet shopping really works up an appetite.

Senior_citizens_injured_animals
The best part of Bear Mountain were the zillions of ’60s-seeming educational signs dotting the park.

Of course, not enough of an appetite to finish an appetizer and entrée (let alone dessert too, though I was pleased to see they were offering the three courses for $12.99 promotion which probably doesn’t exist in NYC). But that’s not the point. James and I know the excess game–that’s what take out containers are for. Despite not being truly European, British are freaked out by leftovers.

While dwelling on our monstrous portions and Japanese hara hachi bu (wise, certainly. But if I stopped at 80% full, I would never get past the appetizer course) we ordered pink fruity cocktails like the Cosmo ‘Rita. Minor trouble erupted when our waitress asked for ID, “My manager makes me card everyone under 40.” and neither out-of-towner had any on them.

I started having flashbacks to my 22nd birthday with my dad and stepmom at a place called BJ’s Roadhouse. It wasn’t my choice (while chain loving now as an adult, I couldn’t see the humor in the early ‘90s). I hadn’t brought my driver’s license and they wouldn’t serve me beer, not even an O’Doul’s, which I didn’t want anyway. These annual occasions were tough enough to slog through with a few drinks in your system.

I’m fairly certain this was the same birthday where we stopped at a grocery store afterwards and picked up a watermelon (I’ve hated melon since birth) and a sugar free cherry pie. I mean, it was my birthday and I could produce insulin normally so would it kill them to buy a real dessert? (technically yes, but diabetes wouldn’t my render my father a fatal blow for another ten years)

Thankfully, we looked old and haggard enough to have the ridiculous rule waived at T.G.I. Friday’s.

Tgifridays_nachos

Nachos on the half shell. They evoke traditional topping on individual chip rather than pile of toppings on slew of chips, yet these aren’t chips.

Tgifridays_cheesey_bacon_burger

Yeah, I noticed that cheesy bacon cheeseburger was separate from the regular cheeseburger but I didn’t read the fine print. The cheesy was cheesy alright. A whole half-inch round of breaded and fried provolone was sitting atop the patty. Whoa. I should’ve taken a cross section photo but I was in a state of shock. It almost looks like a chicken sandwich from this angle.

We passed on the Cinnabon cheesecake and picked up a dozen doughnuts at Dunkin’ across the parking lot (I’m not a doughnut-crazed person, but British folks seem to like them because they don’t really exist in the U.K.), then called it a night.

The next morning I arose to find a note from my sister left on the dining room table. “Dave is afraid of the leftovers; you can have them.” Oh, foreigners…there’s nothing to fear. Even our cheerful waitress told us that the gooey spinach artichoke dip could be brought back to life in the microwave.

I did wait until later that evening, after I had a few drinks in my system (and the brother-in-law had gone to bed) but you know that I devoured that second-hand hot Tuscan dip and red corn tortilla chips along with the help of my sister. We re-warmed the deep-fried breadsticks we’d brought home too. Anything else would be un-American.

T.G.I.Friday’s * 5 Centre Dr., Central Valley, NY