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Posts from the ‘Chains of Love’ Category

Jul 1

A Fish Story

Chart_TotalRestaurantSeafoodSavings Even though popular cuisines like Italian, Mexican and Chinese include plenty of fish, you don’t see much of a fish presence on American menus. If we’re going to eat seafood at all, it’s fried and shrimp always trumps fish.

I know that I didn’t eat any seafood beyond Gorton’s frozen, breaded filets growing up and I definitely never ordered fish in a restaurant unless it was at Skipper’s, a long-gone chain similar to Long John Silver’s. I was sort of surprised, though I shouldn’t have been, when on my last visit to the Oregon Coast my mom didn’t want anything to do with the fresh Dungeness crab and giant oysters steamed on the spot. Don’t even think about ceviche. (Then again, on my mom's last visit we ate at so-so neighborhood Ameri-Mex mini-chain Mezcal's, and she was disappointed that there was no seafood burrito like you can find in Portland, so maybe I had her fish-eating habits all wrong.)

  • A look at Olive Garden shows that there are a shitload of shellfish-laced pastas, but only two pure fish dishes: herb-grilled salmon and parmesan crusted tilapia. Salmon and tilapia are definitely favored fish. One’s meaty, the other’s cheap.
  • Panda Express serves no fish, just fried shrimp while more upscale P.F. Chang’s does fairly well with five of their 13 seafood choices being fish (salmon, mahi mahi and Chilean sea bass, which I thought we weren’t supposed to be eating). The remaining eight feature shrimp.
  • Taco bell premiered shrimp burritos and tacos this year, just in time for Lent. Chevy’s has fish tacos that are surprisingly grilled not fried, as tradition dictates. Shrimp also appears on fajitas and in an enchilada along with crab. I always order the seafood enchilada at Chevy’s, which makes it sound like I eat there all the time even though I don’t.

Yet a recent NPD survey shows a different story:  grilled, baked, broiled and raw fish makes up 23% of seafood orders, slightly ahead of non-fried shrimp (21%), fried fish (14%) and fried shrimp (13%). Bizarrely, all other seafood—calamari? crab? scallops?—is the largest chunk of all at over one quarter.

Seafood only makes up 6% of all restaurant orders, though. And all those non-fried fish eaters are old and rich. Salmon is what happens when you’re an empty-nester watching your cholesterol.

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Jun 28

Chain Links: There’s the Beef

Front Brusque Coney Island customers are making young Beijing recruits  at Nathan’s cry.

Wendy's showed up in Moscow with "sexy" girls in pigtails and striped stockings. What would Dave Thomas think? Times have changed since Wendy's was able to use Soviet fashion as a gag.

The Ivy, London’s celebrity-clogged restaurant, recently opened a branch in Dubai. In a mall, of course. Will there be Dover sole? Yes, for 180 AED (approximately $49) which isn’t a horrible deal by NYC standards.

IHOP will be spreading throughout the Middle East. It just won't be the same without bacon and breakfast sausage.

MOS Burger’s test run in Brisbane has gone so well that the Japanese company thinks it can expand into the US, Canada and Europe. Do keep in mind that Hawaii has already seen MOS Burger come and go.

Carl’s Jr. is now in Canada.

Photo: Igor Tabakov/Moscow Times

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Jun 20

Striking the Balance Between Fancy and Too Fancy

Locations_dallas Rich, or rather diners that still have jobs, are being wooed by Adirondack chairs and ship lanterns in Red Lobster’s remodeling endeavor. It hasn’t worked on me yet. I may fall into the disposable income for dining camp, but I must admit my attention was grabbed harder by the chain’s by four courses for $15 promo than attempts at creating a new look. I mean, really, I could practically spend that on a sandwich at lunch (I wouldn’t, because I’m cheap). At least I have the choice, though; households earning less than $40,000, so-called "aspirational diners," aren't buying lobster dinners like they used to.

Who knew that when I randomly decided to visit a part of New Jersey I’d never explored and pulled over at a Texas Roadhouse , that I was fitting right into the CEO CG Hart’s vision for an expanding demographic. No, I am not a “blue-collar worker” and yes, we ordered “higher-priced steaks!” If the chain wants to appeal to this undefined “higher income” group, they probably should have the servers stop asking if you’ve eaten a rib-eye before. That’s just weird. And serve skin-on bone-in chicken instead of breast meat. Rich people like that (ok, they don’t—too much flavor).

Showing some chain ignorance, I always thought Grand Lux Café was the lower end Cheesecake Factory so I never wanted to go (only the best for me!).Yes, I know, grand and lux are word clues. I’ve steered clear of the one in Paramus and wasn’t tempted by the original in The Venetian over New Year’s Eve. And apparently, no one else has been going because the restaurant is perceived as being too damn fancy. Downscaling is in order. Throw out the Adirondack chairs, stat!

Cheesecake Factory CEO, David Overton told The Wall Street Journal that he’s making the "decor less formal and fancy," so as the newspaper puts it, “not to intimidate the average suburban family who wanders in after a trip to the mall on a weekday night.”

Not sure if I’d use the term intimidated to describe my reaction to the “elaborate design, sumptuous fabrics and textures, and custom artisan-created details…awash in a color scheme reminiscent of a Venetian carnival,” explained on Grand Lux’s site. It might be safer to say a little frightened.

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Jun 17

Chain Links: Pizza Pizza Pizza

Saudi dq
If you need any further evidence of NYC’s third world-ness, witness the brand new two-story Dairy Queen in Saudi Arabia. How can the Middle East have the largest DQ in the world (with two more locations on the way) when we live Blizzard-free here?

If Subway can do it, why not Quiznos? The sandwichery will be moving into Brazil, India and Kuwait this year and has its eye on more than 40 other countries.

Domino’s isn’t doing so well in China because it’s not a country of cheese-lovers.

It’s hard to believe that Yum! Brands, parent to Pizza Hut and KFC, hasn’t ventured into Argentina yet. Based on my experience at Guerrin, porteños are the opposite of the Chinese. No amount of cheese is enough.

More pizza. California Pizza Kitchen broke out of its Golden State confines long ago, and Taiwan is the chain’s latest geographic target. China already has CPK, and cheese-wary or not, they do have many pizzas we don’t. Red curry duck?  Roast duck? I want the pork belly with mustard greens and cilantro.

Because the British vacation in Florida so much, Pollo Tropical might just succeed in the UK.

Kuwait’s first Pinberry has become “the number one Pinkberry in the world.

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Jun 10

In Other Words: Texans Love Cheddar Bay Biscuits

Tx biscuit The only remotely smile-inducing tidbit in New York’s otherwise depressing profile of Anna Nicole Smith’s Supreme Court battle for her nonagerian husband’s $1.6 billion fortune was the revelation that J. Howard Marshall II’s favorite restaurant when not country clubbing…was Red Lobster.

Also, at 19 Anna Nicole worked at a Red Lobster.

But I suppose in an 8,000+ word article about anything, Red Lobster is bound to come up at least once, right?

The Dallas Morning News ran a recipe for Cheddar Bay Biscuits just a few weeks ago. Secrets: Bisquick and margarine.

Texas-shaped biscuit photo from Information in Motion

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Jun 7

A Tale of Two Cities

In bizarro Williamsburg, residents clamor for a P.F. Chang’s and an article is written on how to attract the retail chains you want to your community.

I wonder if the other Williamsburg’s Dunkin' Donuts-and-Duane Reade-loving lady has come out of hiding yet.

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Jun 2

Baby’s First Hooters

Hooters kids menu

I only became aware of The Tilted Kilt after taking a Hunch quiz last year to guide me to the best chain restaurant. I’m still not sure why I got the scantily-clad Scottish theme.

An article in this month’s Entrepreneur explains the success of such “breastaurants.” I wouldn’t think one would need to dig further than boobs, beer and wings, but I learned a few things:

  • The menus are considered “upscale comfort food.” Nothing downscale about Gaelic Chicken (chicken breasts with a “to-die-for Irish Whisky Cream Sauce”) and Danny Boy’s Shepherd’s Pie.
  • The Tilted Kilt is not “sexy stupid or sexy trashy” but “sexy classy, sexy smart or sexy cute.”
  • Tilted Kilt servers do not “slip food to you around the corner” like at those non-sexy restaurants where waiters hide behind walls. Instead they practice “touchology.”
  • Mugs 'N Jugs is a “crass” name, not anything like Hooters or Twin Peaks.
  • At Twin Peaks, when ordering a beer you will be asked “Do you want the man size or the girl size?” Women, presumably order wine offered in three styles: red, white and pink. I don’t know who orders the G.I.L.F., described as “Grand Marnier with Raspberry. Not your typical GrandMa.”

In related news, a group of middle-schoolers ate at a Hooters as part of a Baltimore field trip. This is not the first time a field trip has shown up at Hooters, and it probably won’t be the last. Youngsters are totally welcome at breastaurants.

Kids a.k.a. Mountain Scouts eat free at Twin Peaks on Saturday and Sunday. A similar special runs at select Hooters and Tilted Kilt. Family fun.

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May 15

Denny’s: Crimes Against Nature

Denny's maple bacon sundae top

Denny’s—where I spent many a high school evening drinking coffee, eating Super Birds and smoking in the back room because there was nothing better to do at night—are scarce around NYC. The nearest location, 20 miles away, just happens to be in my favorite part of New Jersey; the region that’s also home to Bud’s Hut and the Linfield Inn. I took this as a sign.

Avenel new jersey denny's

But before heading out to Avenel to finally experience Baconalia (I don’t only wait for hotspots to have a month-long cool-down period) I was warned about restaurants defaulting to imitation bacon. No way, not at Denny’s.

denny's maple bacon sundae

The Maple Bacon Sundae was not a purist affair, however. The bacon crumbles, more fatty than crisp, as I like them, were real all right, but the scourge of diners everywhere: maple-flavored syrup, a.k.a. corn syrup followed by high fructose corn syrup on the ingredient list, was the amber imposter drizzled atop and pooled at the base of the vanilla ice cream tower.

Despite the unnatural sweetener, this was not a bad sundae. The spoonfuls of melting ice cream striped with syrup and smoky nubs of pork were welcome sweet-salty blasts; the only thing that could’ve upped the ante would have been a sprinkling of chopped hickory-smoked almonds.

I still had to admire Denny’s moxie. Sure, bacon desserts are old hat to food trend followers (though it’s a faster trickle-down than craft beers now appearing at T.G.I. Friday’s) but that doesn’t mean the average customer is necessarily ready for the meeting of sweet and salty in soda fountain classics.

What we did with bacon

The disgust and outrage overheard at a nearby table might’ve been initially mistaken for the matrimonial union between two men.

30-something dad: “I love bacon…but on a sundae? This has got to be a joke, right?!”

Son: “Gross!”

After grandma hobbled back to the table, dad proceeded to fill her in on the maple-bacon atrocity. “Can you believe it?”

I did not hear her response. Perhaps, she’ll now finally be able to say that she’s seen it all. I hope she’s already watched Nannerpuss.

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Apr 26

Chain Links: I Say Rice and Beans, You Say Basmati and Dahl

Peruvian chefs are in demand in South America and many of the hot ticket restaurants in Quito have one. Partners in Ecuador’s branch of Astrid y Gastón, celebrity chef Gastón Acurio’s upscale chain, also own the local T.G.I. Friday’s and Pizza Hut franchises. I wonder how our soon-to-open La Mar will fare.

I don’t imagine there will be Peruvian chefs at the new Carl’s Jr. opening in Panama City, the country’s first branch.

American franchises haven’t done so well down under. Ben & Jerry’s hopes to change that.

As the American chain barrage continues in India, adaptations are being made. Pollo Tropical’s rice and beans may morph into basmati and dahl, flatbreads will find a place at Wing Stop, Wendy’s will lose the beef—and that’s just the beginning.

German fast food chain, Wienerwald will be opening in Romania. Chicken appears to be their specialty.

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Apr 20

The Latest In American-Chinese Relations

Panda-Express In what some might call a ballsy move, Panda Restaurant Group’s Chairman Andrew Cherng may soon bring the food court staple to China. I’ve been wracking my brain for a US equivalent, but am coming up short. MOS Burger is the closest I can come up with, though they closed their only US location in barely American Hawaii back in 2005.

Maybe crazy is more apt than ballsy. Andew Cherng also thinks you can eat caring and that it’s more important than food.

An American reporter for The New Yorker hitches a ride on a cram-as-many-sights-as-possible-in-one-week Chinese bus tour of Europe. The itinerary is exhausting and Chinese food is the only cuisine consumed from Paris to Luxembourg. Local food is ruled out because the pacing is too leisurely and according to the tour guide “If you eat Western food too fast, you’ll get an upset stomach.” Perhaps this is the flipside to our nonsensical “If you eat Chinese food, you’ll be hungry an hour later” belief.

Photo from <3 Yen

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